Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize