Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
