3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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