ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
