I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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