today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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