even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
