I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
