my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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