does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
