hotel room ftw
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
