Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
