I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
