take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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