I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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