that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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