Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
