Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
