i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
