I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
