two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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