I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
