i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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