so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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