Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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