At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
