I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
