I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
