I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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