She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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