I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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