Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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