Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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