Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
