tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
