Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
