You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
