big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
it was like his penis was on wheels.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
