im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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