What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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