if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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