Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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