i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
