Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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