Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
