My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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