It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
