I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can you bring me the toilet please
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
