yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
