here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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