I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
