my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
