The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
