Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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