Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
