i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
