she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
