Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
