i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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