i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think weed is turning my hair brown
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game