im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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